


Hesitance

by Woofemus



Category: Tales of Series, Tales of Zestiria
Genre: F/F, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 15:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11061837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Woofemus/pseuds/Woofemus
Summary: Alisha's had better nights than this one. At least, nights where she isn't acting like some shy girl fumbling for things she's not even sure she wants.





	Hesitance

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ ??

Had Alisha any prior knowledge of events that would unfold later in the night, she would have refused to go out.

Not that she could have entirely foreseen how things could have gone, really. Her knights had come into her office, burst in really, and insisted that she spend the night out with them. She’s been working so hard on so much paperwork in the past few days, why not take a rest? When they look at her with eyes swelling with only concern, how is Alisha to refuse her knights who only have her wellbeing on their mind? It would be a disservice to them to even think about refusing (though the words were on the tip of Alisha’s tongue.)

Hesitating for a second that feels too long, Alisha pushes aside her reservations and agrees, to which her knights cheer and immediately drag her up from the chair that she’s been sitting in for several hours. It shows, when she winces at the sudden ache in her legs from having not moved in a long time. Her knights are too happy to notice her discomfort but Alisha quickly works through it.

Tonight, Alisha will endeavor to have fun with her squad. She’s often heard about all the stories, silly and not, about the other squads and their commanders, and she’s always felt sorry that she doesn’t give much for her own squad to share. Balancing her knightly duties along with being a politician drains her _and_ also takes her already dwindling time. When was the last time she was able to even have some time for herself? Always too much work to be done, so much paperwork every single day, so many concerns from worried citizens to address, too many stubborn nobles to appease…

Hopefully, tomorrow won’t see her nursing an awful headache like the last time she went out. There’s an awful lot of paperwork still to be done and Alisha is not excited about the prospect of going through it hungover.

The night’s only just begun though, Alisha shouldn’t darken her thoughts with this sort of gloominess. Her knights want to see her relax, and Alisha is going to make sure she’ll do so. Worst case scenario, she’ll accidentally drink too much and make a fool out of herself and will feel like she wants to die from utter embarrassment for two years. If that’s how she’s going to build camaraderie with her knights though, so be it, a small price to pay. It isn’t as if she’s a stranger to being made a fool anyway, when she remembers that awful incident with Logos.

 _Easy_ , Alisha tells herself, forcing herself to relax. Nothing like all the terrible scenarios running through her mind will happen. She’s here to have fun with her knights after a hard day of working. There’s nothing that could possibly go wrong.

They arrive at the tavern and Alisha steels herself as she steps through the door.

Until her eyes catch that all too familiar flash of red that makes her heart skip a beat.

She can’t help but stare even as Rose turns around from where she’s sitting at her table, staring right back at her. They’re both surprised though Alisha thinks they might be for different reasons.

“Princess?” There’s a hand on her arm and Alisha jolts, looking over at a concerned Siriel. Her knight is glancing back and forth between her and Rose, seemingly tense. “If you’re uncomfortable here, perhaps we could—”

“I’m fine.” Alisha forces both the words and smile out. “There is no need to worry.” Before Siriel can voice another objection, Alisha quickly steps out of the way to let the rest of the knights into the tavern, unaware of their princess’ discomfort. She walks into the room, trying to ignore the feeling of Rose’s eyes trained on her the whole time. It doesn’t work.

“A round for the princess! And then some more on me!” Ian calls out as she raises her hand in the air, a wide grin on her face. Siriel blinks before her mouth drops open, rushing over to her fellow knight.

“Ian, no! You always make me foot half the bill and I—”

The rest of Siriel’s words are lost as the whole tavern sounds off in rousing cheer that make Alisha’s ears ring. She winces and wants to run back out the door but she steels herself once more, preparing herself for what will no doubt be a very long night ahead.

Alisha glances all over the room before making her way to counter, to where Rose is sitting by herself. Well, it only looks like she’s sitting by herself. The seraphim are sitting in the barstools next to her though it’s only Lailah and Mikleo. Edna is nowhere to be seen, and—

A hearty laugh louder than the rest of the room makes Alisha turn her head. There, in a corner of the room she finds its source, Zaveid, sitting at a table with some of the patrons. Or rather, if Alisha squints her eyes a bit, some of them appear to be… seraphim?! Alisha knows she can see them right now thanks to Rose’s resonance but she wonders how it must look like to the rest of the patrons there, an empty table with mugs and chairs rattling all around, being lifted in the air. Though, as Alisha takes another glance around the room, most of the patrons already seem too dead drunk to notice, with her knights keen on joining them.

With a shake of her head, Alisha faces forward again and makes her way toward the counter.  

Alisha’s honestly not sure how she feels right now, as her eyes catch on Rose. It looks like she’s already had more than a few drinks, her cheeks flushed, swaying slightly where she’s sitting on the bar stool. Her eyes still hold clarity though, much more than everyone else in the room, minus her knights that’ve just come. There’s a certain light in her eyes, one that holds of the usual mischief Rose tends to bring with her.

When Alisha draws closer, Rose settles her elbow atop the counter and rests her head against her hand, her eyes a half moon and the corners of her lips quirked upward. When Alisha takes the seat next to her, Rose doesn’t change her expression but Alisha swears her eyes sharpen, like she’s studying Alisha. For what, she’s not sure.  

Alisha’s still not sure what to feel. Of course, her heart warms at the sight of Rose, with her cheeks full of color and thankfully in one piece this time. The last several times they’d run into each other, it’d always been Alisha catching the tail end of one of the Shepherd’s missions, Rose deathly pale and ready to fall over on her feet. And still, she’d have a smile on her lips and tell Alisha not to worry even as she closed her eyes and collapsed right in the next second, surrounded by alarmed seraphim.

The last time they’d met… ah, it’d been months ago, and—

Alisha nearly squeaks with that memory.

And nothing came out of it other than frustrating Alisha with things she’s not even sure of. It doesn’t even seem as if their last meeting’s bothered Rose the way it did Alisha, and that frustrates her more than she care for. Of course it wouldn’t. To Rose, Alisha must look like a fool chasing after something she should know is out of her reach.

But Alisha, curse her foolish self, still can’t help but want to try.

“Something to drink, miss—Your Highness?”

The voice of the bartender makes Alisha jolt, makes her realize that they haven’t spoken at all since she’s come in and sat down, and that the bartender has the most curious look on his face when his eyes dart back and forth between them. Alisha flushes with embarrassment and looks over at him, mind fishing for something to say. She doesn’t venture out to taverns much and when she does, it’s her knights who always order a tankard for everyone. What can she ask for here? Wine? But that doesn’t sound… very appropriate for being a tavern, especially with such rowdy partygoers behind her.

“The princess’ll have something light.” Rose thankfully comes to her rescue when Alisha still hasn’t spoken at all since then. “It’s not proper for her to get down and dirty with folk like us here.”

Alisha takes back her thoughts, bristling. Not proper? “What do you mean by that?” She narrows her eyes at Rose. “Do you think I cannot handle my alcohol?”

Rose slowly turns to look at Alisha. “Princess, I think I know more than enough about how you are when you’re drunk.”

Alisha immediately burns bright red. She ducks her head with a squeak, staring down at her lap. The bartender asks her a question but Alisha is too embarrassed to answer, quickly nodding to whatever it is. When he starts to make her drink, Alisha realizes what she’s agreed to, not that it makes her feel better. A mug gets placed down in front of her and it’s all Alisha can do to hold herself back from throwing the whole thing back. Alcohol is supposed to help one lose memories of the night, right? At least, that’s what Alisha wants more than anything in the world right now.

Instead, she refrains, mind and heart racing as her mind replays Rose’s words.

More importantly, the implication that Rose remembered everything of their last meeting…

Alcohol is both a blessing and a curse, Alisha decides in what won’t be the last time.

Alisha peeks up in front of her, at the glass the bartender’s made for her per Rose’s request. She’s still embarrassed but also riled from the way Rose insinuated that she was too good to be with people lower than her station. Who is Rose to make such haughty assumptions of her?

Fueled by irritation, Alisha takes the glass of alcohol and gulps down a mouthful.

And nearly regrets it, when she almost gags it back up. The drink is sweeter than she’d anticipated, and, along with the burn of the alcohol, Alisha hadn’t been prepared for it at all. She quickly swallows and holds a hand to her mouth, trying to keep coughing fit threatening to break out at bay.

“There’s no need to rush, Princess.” Rose’s teasing voice drifts over to her ears, and Alisha wants to groan. Of course Rose saw that. This night is just going swimmingly, Alisha thinks.

“I was merely thirsty,” Alisha answers back, resisting the urge to huff at her.

“Thirsty, huh?” Rose snickers, and Alisha is sorely tempted to down the rest of her drink to order something stronger. Something that’ll give her the courage to make all the quips she knows are hidden deep inside. Alcohol loosens tongues, and she’s no exception to them, Alisha’s learned.

“Rose, you should really stop teasing Alisha so much.”

Alisha widens her eyes at the sound of Mikleo’s voice, realizing belatedly that the seraphim are also there, witnessing her every blunder since the night’s started. And she didn’t even greet them yet!

Hastily, Alisha turns to the seraphim sitting on the other side of Rose, bowing her head slightly. “L-Lady Lailah, Lord Mikleo, f-forgive me for ignoring you. I meant to greet you when I came but—”

A laugh cuts off the rest of Alisha’s words. Lailah’s. “Oh, Alisha, you don’t have to act so stiff around us! And let’s be honest, Rose is someone who asks to be the center of attention.”

“H-hey! What’s that supposed to mean!” Rose swivels to look at Lailah with an overly exaggerated grouchy expression. It would have made Alisha laugh, had this been any other night under any other different circumstances. Mikleo is the one who chuckles for her, shaking his head with mirth.

“I’m not drunk enough to listen to you two make fun of me,” Rose grumbles before taking her mug and throwing everything back.

“R-Rose!” Alisha’s aghast at all the alcohol the other woman’s just drank. She has zero doubt that Rose’s already imbibed a large amount before she got there.

“Relax, Princess, you’re talking to the Shepherd,” Rose says with a grin but Alisha swears she’s swaying in her seat. She looks away after, eyes flicking down to her drink. “Not drunk enough to deal with you either,” she mutters, low enough for Alisha to pretend she didn’t hear it, if she wanted.

Alisha thinks Rose must be doing this on purpose, trying to rile her up, but she’s more concerned about how much alcohol Rose’s already had.  It must be taking all she can to keep her words steady, because she knows Alisha will worry about her otherwise. Not that Alisha already isn’t.

I-it’s perfectly normal for Alisha to worry about Rose!

At the same time, Rose is free to drink however much she wants. If she wants to wake up the next day with the most awful hangover ever, so be it!

But when she glances over at the seraphim, even Lailah looks worried, and Mikleo doesn’t look very happy either. Their eyes meet, and that’s all it takes to convince Alisha.

Oh, it’d be irresponsible of her to leave Rose in such a state anyway.

“I think that’s enough for you, Rose,” Alisha starts, turning toward Rose—

And squeaks, realizing Rose is suddenly right in front of her. The other woman’s face is _dangerously_ close. Rose puts her arm right next to where Alisha’s is on the counter, and starts to lean in.

Alisha swears the entire room is filled with drunk merrymaking and yet, everything sounds so muted, like they’re all suddenly so far away. All she can hear right now is Rose, breathing so close to her ear, laughing slowly in a voice that seems too low to be normal. Her own heart pounding so loudly in her ears that it’s all she can do to keep herself still.

She wants to speak, wants to ask Rose what she thinks she’s doing, wants to say something, but her mouth feels stuck together. Her tongue is heavy like iron, throat painfully dry, and she feels like her teeth will clack together in an awful way if she tries to speak. The look in Rose’s eyes is intense, like it’s piercing right through her. It makes Alisha feel all too warm, a hotness that she knows isn’t just from the heat of the tavern.

“R-Rose,” she finally manages, a whisper so soft and breathless that she’s not sure Rose can even hear from how close she is, against all the noise. Her eyes flicker toward the outside, suddenly heedful that they aren’t alone. “There’s… w-what will people think?”

“Do you really care for any of them?”

The question catches Alisha off guard, especially with the way Rose answers immediately. It feels like a test, the way she had that ready. Alisha struggles to regain both her composure and mind, at least enough to answer.

“O-of course not, do you think I’d be where I am if I did?”

“Right.”

“B-but I meant… of you.” Alisha can’t help the hesitation, especially when Rose blinks in confusion at her. “If… if the Shepherd were to be seen gallanting with someone such as the likes of me, then…” She doesn’t finish, feeling ashamed.

Rose pulls back then, a low hum in her voice. Alisha sneaks a peek at her and finds Rose rubbing her chin with an odd expression on her face, seemingly lost in thought with a frown. She doesn’t meet Alisha’s eyes, staring ahead of her with that same pensive look.

Alisha’s not sure what to think. Her thoughts are still too scattered all over to make sense of what’s even happened. The expression on Rose’s face is odd, much too clear for someone who’s supposed to have had one too many drinks. And that she’d pulled back after Alisha’s words…

The relief she feels belies the disappointment she can’t help.

Rose slides off her barstool and slaps her cheeks. “Gonna get some fresh air,” she says with a tiny smile when Alisha looks over at her questioningly. Without any other word or explanation, she spins on her heels and somehow manages to make her way through the crowd of people without bumping into anyone. Within seconds, she’s no longer in sight, and Alisha lets out the breath she hadn’t known she was holding.

Even with all the noise around her, all Alisha can focus on is the drumming of her heartbeat, a fluttery feeling inside of her that makes her want to hide away. She’s never felt this nervous, not even before any sort of mission, or before meeting the council to deal with ridiculous demands. Her hands tremble, and she pushes them against her legs to calm herself down. She wonders how silly she must look right now, sitting by herself and fretting nervously, cheeks flushed with embarrassment and not alcohol.

Alisha sighs, a heavy heave of breath that goes on longer than she intends. It’s the sort of sigh that would surely be classified as forlornly lovesick if she were in the presence of nobles.

But that’s what she is, isn’t she?

No, no. Alisha shakes her head. Bad path for her thoughts to go through right now. She looks up around the room and her eyes catch on red and blue instead.

_The seraphim saw everything._

Alisha whips her head to them, gawking out of sheer embarrassment. Mikleo’s arms are crossed and his eyes meet hers for one brief second before darting away, cheeks pink. On the other hand, Lailah looks as if she’s trying hard not to pay attention but failing, the corners of her mouth twitching upward as her hands clasp together. Her smile grows when she notices Alisha looking at her.

“Don’t mind us,” Lailah says cheerfully, and both Mikleo and Alisha groan.

Alisha slowly turns back forward, staring at the drink in front of her. Awful. The only way this night can get worse is…

Somehow, the noise in the tavern dulls for just a moment, enough for Alisha to realize something’s off. It’s been too long. Rose hasn’t returned yet. When she looks over at the seraphim questioningly, even they shrug their shoulders. Then, that can only mean one thing.

Rose’s run away again.

Alisha grabs her drink and nearly throws it all back until she remembers what happened the first time. She stops herself and goes slower than she intended, refusing to let her sour mood get the better of her. The ice has already melted, diluting some of the sweetness of her drink but not the burn of the alcohol. Still, it’s nice. Frustration that’s been stewing underneath for months adds to the sort of recklessness she craves tonight. Alcohol may very well be clouding her own actions, but Alisha thinks she’d have done this even when sober.

When was the last time she hasn’t chased after Rose?

Alisha stands up, ready to leave, before she turns back to the bartender. “Something stronger,” she requests, and he looks cautious, having just watched her down her drink in what’d been a reasonably fast time. She doesn’t blame him. “For a little more courage,” she says, and after he watches her for a quick moment, he finally nods, turning back around to fix her up something.

“Alisha?”

Lailah’s voice has taken on a concerned edge, her hand outstretched slightly, unsure of Alisha’s sudden impulsivity. Alisha turns to her with a smile. “Just to help myself deal with Rose,” she explains, and Lailah is torn between wanting to stop her or laugh. She does neither, but her hand drops back down to her side. Her eyes twinkle with mischief not unlike the way Rose’s get. Perhaps the habits of the Shepherd are rubbing off on her seraphim. The thought makes Alisha crinkle her eyes, when she thinks how comfortable Rose and the seraphim seem with each other.

“We all know how stubborn she can be,” Lailah murmurs.

“Both you and her,” Mikleo adds, and Alisha can’t help but laugh at that.

The clink of a glass hitting the counter makes Alisha turn back, her newly ordered liquor in front of her. She thanks him and takes the drink, swishing it around before taking a page out of Rose’s book and gulps it all down.

That’s the last time she’ll ever do something like that.

Sober, at least.

It’s still sweet (she’s more than thankful for _that_ ) but the alcohol burns as it runs down and she nearly gags again, barely able to hold it back. How do people even do this, and almost on a daily basis? Alisha doesn’t understand it, how people can enjoy the sheer burn of liquor as strong as this, especially without the aid of sweetness or anything else to add to the taste.

If Rose could hear her thoughts, she’d no doubt tease her, but Alisha still thinks even spite wouldn’t give her the stomach for this.

With a deep sigh like she’s preparing for battle, Alisha gets up from her seat, leaving a generous tip for the bartender. The novelty of having a princess at the tavern is over and everyone is too busy to notice her, not that Alisha had even noticed much of it, too trained on Rose to pay attention. There’s the feeling that there’s a pair of eyes on her though. She sneaks a glance, and finds Siriel’s eyes, oddly bright and inquisitive, a sharp contrast to the drunken madness in everyone else. Even with all her nerves fluttering inside, Alisha smiles in what she hopes is placating and assuring. It’s taking all of her willpower not to just bolt out the door. The longer she stalls here, the further Rose will get away from her, this much Alisha knows is true.

When Siriel gives her a nod imperceptible to nearly anyone but her, Alisha’s smile turns both genuine and apologetic, and she faces forward once again. Letting out a breath makes a wave of relief wash through her, something she didn’t know she could feel right now, tense as she is.

The night air outside is refreshingly cool on Alisha. The tavern inside had been stuffy, and she felt almost suffocating at some points, though that was more Rose’s fault than anything else. Every conflicting feeling she has right now is all Rose’s fault.

Alisha can’t help but close her eyes to let herself indulge for a moment, a smile tugging on the corners of her mouth. It feels much too nice on her skin, heated from warmth and drink. Ladylake is always so wonderful during this time of the year with its cool breezes.  

But that’s enough dallying around. Now, her task.

Rose.

But so much for spending time with her squad though, Alisha thinks ruefully. Rose always seems to mess up every plan Alisha has. She’ll make it up for them next time, at least when she can barely keep her heart still at the thought of catching up to Rose and… and…

Alisha slaps her cheeks to clear her thoughts and sets off.

Out of habit, Alisha heads for the Nobles’ Quarter. Something tells her that there might be the place Rose is first to visit. It is an irrational feeling though, given the distance between the inn and the Nobles’ Quarter. Up all these flights of stairs, and avoiding the nightly patrols who would no doubt spread gossip that the Shepherd is in the Nobles’s Quarter, so late at night?

Alisha remembers the last set of rumors that spread, when a guard with an amazing set of eyes had caught Rose leaping from the window of Alisha’s room even at the dead of night. Nothing had happened, mostly Rose had come to tease as she always had before refusing Alisha’s offer to stay in the guest room, but that hadn’t stopped rumors.

Sometimes, Alisha wishes they were true.

And, somehow, Alisha _does_ find Rose in the Nobles’ Quarter, a hand on a wall and slumped over like she’s heaving. It’s a feat that makes Alisha’s mind boggle. She was sure Rose had much more drink than she did, and she somehow managed to climb all those stairs without stumbling?

“Rose!” Even as she bends down to help her, Alisha can smell all the alcohol on her. It makes her wrinkle her nose as she hefts one of Rose’s arms around her own shoulders. “You’re done for the night. We have to get you back to your room. Were you staying at the inn?”

“Inn?” Rose looks at her, a smirk on her lips, eyes too sharp for one supposedly dulled by liquor. “Not even going to take advantage of drunk old me and invite me back to your bed?”

Alisha blinks. Her bed? She hadn’t thought of that. Maybe the beds at the inn weren’t to Rose’s liking. As much as Alisha doesn’t like to admit she indulges in such comforts because of her status, she knows her own bed is much softer and comfortable than, well, most of the common populace. If Rose wants to come back to her manor to share her bed—

_Wait._

And then Alisha finally understands, inhaling sharply with the realization. Hotness spreads across her face and it takes all of her willpower to hold back the embarrassed squeak that nearly comes out. There’s a smirk on Rose’s face, clearly trying to hold back her laughter. Alisha wants to scowl at her but she’s sure her mouth is twisting into an odd mix between that and an embarrassed grimace instead.

“Geez,” Rose says through her laughter, “how am I supposed to even work through that thick skull of yours at all?”

The retort Alisha meant to let out stops at the back of her throat, trying to work through Rose’s words. She could be looking too much into it, but she’s learned that Rose hides behind her jabs and teases, never intending for them to be taken so seriously. And Alisha admits that she does play into Rose’s hands one too many times, embarrassment always spurring her into further banter before she can really think.

It must be the way they’re so close together right now, without Rose seemingly noticing. Alisha had carelessly thrown her arm around Rose, to pull against her close to steady her, and now it makes Alisha all too aware of the warm body pressing against her in this moment. Her other hand is gripping Rose’s wrist, how she wishes she weren’t wearing her gloves so she can feel the flushed skin underneath hers, how if she had been courageous any time in the past, she’d be able to tangle their fingers together without any other thought.

Alisha swallows, feeling every motion in her throat, and speaks. “Did… did you want to… return to my manor? You are welcome to come. I do not… mind.” Her voice trails off in a whisper so soft that she’s not sure Rose’s heard them or not. It’d taken all of her composure to not squeak instead.

But she can feel the change in the air, the way Rose subtly tenses up at her words, the way she can feel Rose staring at her out of the corner of her eyes.

“… do you even know what you’re saying right now?”

It should make Alisha mad, how Rose still seems to treat her like some sort of naïve girl with little matters to the heart (even if it is true), but embarrassment reins in her temper. And perhaps the alcohol as well, as she feels the rest of her reservations falling, to look over at Rose and meet her eyes in an even stare. “I do. So, will you answer me?”

Rose opens her mouth before she closes it. Her nose wrinkles, like she’s displeased, before she pauses. She looks at Alisha like she’s studying her With each second of silence that passes by, Alisha feels her stomach sinking more and more. The courage she’d felt from those words is slowly disappearing, and she thinks she might have been foolhardy instead.

Was this too early for them? Or is it too late now, after Alisha’s gone and used up her chance for… for…

Arms suddenly wrap around Alisha and before she can even blink, she’s suddenly pulled. A hand comes up to her mouth to muffle her shout of surprise. It isn’t until she falls against something soft that she starts to realize what’s happened.

It’s Rose’s arms wrapped around her, holding her close now. She’s not sure entirely sure why, too shocked to even say anything at all.

There’s the telltale clinks of boots and armor in the air, growing louder. Alisha turns her head slightly, catching the sight of the nightly patrol coming close to where they once were. The two of them are hiding behind a wall now. Alisha knows the patrol will not walk down this path, at least for another cycle.

“Wouldn’t look good to you if you got caught out here with me, right?” Rose murmurs, right next to her ear. Honestly, Alisha’s not sure if she’s made sense of the whole sentence at all, trying to steady herself as she takes in her new position.

Being so close to Rose like this, wrapped in her arms the way she is, feeling Rose’s breaths puffing past her ear…

Rose is speaking but Alisha can barely hear her. How can she do something like concentrate on words when all it feels like she can do right now is focus on the sound of Rose’s voice, the feeling of Rose’s arms firm around her, the feeling of pressing against Rose’s body? Her heart is racing so fast that Alisha’s sure that it’ll beat right out of her. She wants dearly to reach out, to wrap her own arms around Rose, to feel that muscled back under her hands once more, to hold Rose close like all those nights she’s dreamed of. The thought flares her up and Alisha knows the warmth she feels right now isn’t entirely because of embarrassment.

“Hey! Are you even listening to me?” Rose shakes her a bit, but it does nothing to steady the storm inside Alisha, who only pulls back to look at her. “E-er? Princess?!” Rose looks shocked, and Alisha’s not sure why. But what she does know is that their faces are, once again, so close to each other. Rose is just right there, _right there,_ and Alisha can’t take it anymore.

Alisha kisses her.

The softness of Rose’s lips, along with the heavy taste of alcohol, are the first things Alisha notices. Rose makes a sound against her, something like a muffled squeak. Feeling bolder than she’s ever felt in such a long time, Alisha pushes forward, pressing closer, harder. Her hands, fisted in the fabric of Rose’s shirt, pull her even closer. Rose makes another sound and her hands come up to clutch at Alisha’s shoulders, fingers digging in but not painfully. Her hands tense, and Alisha can’t help but tighten her own hold against Rose, suddenly afraid that Rose will push her away.

Rose pauses, fingers relaxing for a split moment before digging in again and now she’s the one pulling Alisha closer, finally responding to Alisha with her own fierce push.

 _Oh,_ Alisha somehow manages to think before the rest of her thoughts fade away in blissful haze. They’d come close, many times before, where Rose leaned in, their breaths puffing past each other. Alisha had wished, in all those times, that she’d gained the courage to close the distance herself, to finally take what Rose keeps trying to tease out of her, to stop lying awake in the middle of the night and dream of so many what-ifs because she’d been afraid.

Now that she’s finally done it, Alisha’s more disappointed in herself that she hadn’t done it sooner. It all seems so silly now, hesitating all those times, when she’s realizing what she’s been missing all along. It’s not exactly perfectly and the most romantic thing Alisha’s always dreamed it to be, but, somehow, it manages to feel exactly right—

And then Rose suddenly rips away from her. The hands that gripped Alisha’s shoulders tight are still digging into her but now Rose is much farther away than just a second ago. It takes Alisha a moment to realize Rose’s shoved her away and is keeping her at a literal arm’s length.

But that’s not what Alisha can focus on, when her hazy mind is starting to piece everything together. It’s like a splash of cold water has hit her head on, completely halting her in every single way.

The stab of rejection cuts deep into her.

“This—I, this j-just…” Rose is breathless, staring at Alisha with wide eyes before they return to normal. “No, you’re drunk. That’s what it is, you’re drunk.” She sounds more like she’s trying to convince herself.

“I’m not,” Alisha answers softly, stubbornly. The temptation to burst out in tears is strong, but even as she can feel the tears wetting her eyes, Alisha valiantly pushes back the urge to the furthest depths inside her. She wants nothing more than to run away and hide, shove all her silly feelings back inside of her. Deep down, she knows, that if this moment passes, they will never speak of this ever again and to broach the topic would be akin to the effort of scaling a mountain.

The stab she’d felt earlier is quickly dulling to faint hope, remembering all too clearly that Rose kissed her back. It emboldens her. “I’m not drunk. I’ve only had two drinks. Are you sure that you aren’t?” To be honest, Alisha doesn’t feel quite right in her mind, but she knows, is absolutely sure, that it isn’t only the alcohol. She knows she’s not exactly good at handling her liquor, but Alisha does know her own limits, at least when Rose isn’t trying to goad her into a test of pride.

“I’m—I’m not. I really—er, I’m really not. Wait, _two?_ ” The more Rose insists, the more she sounds like she is. Her eyes are darting all around, never on Alisha’s face. Searching for a way to escape, Alisha realizes, but she won’t let her do it here.

Not this time, not here, not now, not with everything that’s happened so far.  

“Rose, don’t you dare,” Alisha manages to say, hissing under her breath. It’s unbecoming of her to do this but when she thinks about Rose running away from this, running away even after everything that’s just happened, the frustration she’s been trying to hold back roars back to life. They haven’t necessarily talked about this, but Alisha feels like her own actions have told her more than enough about where she stands.

And yet, Rose is… Rose is…!

Alisha’s hand snatches Rose’s bandana, clenching the fabric. There’s a fire inside her that refuses to be quelled, at least in the way Rose wants it to be. Perhaps, just mere months ago, Alisha would have felt the same as Rose, too scared to move ahead, too frightened of all the possibilities to put a name to what’s happened between them. But she is no longer the same as she was then. Alisha’s long past the point of waiting and knows that there are some things in life where she has to be the one to reach out to get what she wants.

And, well, if Rose actually doesn’t want the same thing, then… then…

She’ll deal with that when Rose _actually_ decides to be serious about it.

“ _Rose_.”

Alisha puts everything into the single utterance of her name. Will it even do much? Alisha’s not sure, she feels like she has everything to say yet nothing can come out at all except for the sound of Rose’s name. She says it again, and she knows her voice’s grown soft, desperate, pleading almost.

But Rose finally stills.

“… not here,” Rose finally says with a sigh, like she’s tired and knows she has no choice but to accept her fate. “Unless you want to do this out in public?” she asks with arched brow.

Alisha blinks owlishly at her. The sudden gust of chilly air makes her realize that they’re not in the privacy of a room or anywhere with a door, out in plain view. “O-oh!” It’s thankfully late at night and the only people that should be out are the guards, but it isn’t as if Alisha wants them to come onto a scene like this, especially if she happens to know who’s on patrol either.

Rose laughs, a breathless sound that Alisha also thinks sounds nervous. When Alisha looks up at her, she has this half smile on her face, a wry smirk. “Sorry, was I simply too irresistible for you?”

Alisha gawks at her, face heating up with embarrassment. She doesn’t understand it, how Rose looked so terrified of… whatever was happening between them one moment, before going back to teasing her the next. Does Rose even understand what she does?

But the way she looks right now, suddenly teasing with that familiar twinkle of mischief in her eyes, the pinkness across her face that Alisha’s not sure could be (doesn’t want herself to hope at this point), the smirk on her face that does indeed make Alisha’s heart beat a little faster than normal…

She wants to kiss her again.

Alisha swallows, painfully aware that her throat is dry. Even so, somehow, she manages to speak. “You are… an attractive person, Rose,” she admits. Her cheeks burn even more with her admission but she doesn’t look away from Rose as she says it, an accomplishment in her own right. It’s how she catches Rose widening her eyes in surprise, the way she stares at Alisha like she’s suddenly uncertain.

“Now that’s a compliment if I’ve ever heard one,” Rose answers flippantly but from this close, Alisha can feel the embarrassment on her. How she’s managed to unnerve Rose, it makes Alisha feel a smidgen of satisfaction. Even with just this small amount, Alisha feels… powerful. Is this why Rose goes so far to tease her so much sometimes? This feeling is amazing.

“Then…” Alisha looks at Rose for direction. Inn? Or—

“You invited me back into your manor, didn’t you?” Rose answers, looking away as she puts a hand on the back of her neck. A nervous gesture, Alisha’s learned. “And, well, we’re already all the way out here, might as well.”

“R-right!” Alisha nearly cringes at her own reply, knowing she sounds hopeful. She hopes Rose is too nervous to catch that, and doesn’t bother finding out, quickly turning down the path. She reaches out, grasping the sleeve of Rose’s strange half jacket to tug her along.

“H-hey, isn’t this kind of awkward? I can walk beside you.” Rose sounds both amused and unsure. Alisha flushes as she stammers.

“A-ah, forgive me. I just… wanted… to make sure you weren’t going to…” she doesn’t finish; she doesn’t think she needs to.   

“… yeah. Uh, right. I’ll… be right here, next to you.”

“Of course.”

The walk back to the manor is thankfully uneventful. It still must be the most awkward Alisha’s ever felt going back to her own home. She can’t hear Rose walking behind her but can hear the rustle her clothes make when she walks. It makes her curious, but also makes her remember what Rose had been before a Shepherd.

When they finally reach the gate of her manor, Alisha blinks up at it before hurriedly reaching behind to the pack hidden behind her tabard. Her hands are shaking, fumbling around for her keys until she grabs them and snatches her hands out. It feels like she’s taking too long when she finally opens the gate, wincing at the creak it makes. She holds it open for Rose who strolls straight through with a small whistle, like it isn’t the dead of the night and this is merely a daytime rendezvous instead.

It’s unfair, how Rose manages to keep herself composed so easily the way she does.

Quickly shutting and unlocking the gate behind her, Alisha tries not to seem in a hurry as she walks over to the patio to where Rose is already waiting outside, her arms behind her head. There’s an expression on her face but Alisha is too nervous to take note of it, brushing right past her to unlock the door. The action feels unfamiliar to Alisha, too used to having the door already open. Normally, Alisha makes sure to announce her presence at the gate and the maids prepare for her return. It’s too late at night for that though, and Rose is here with her.

But there’s still a maid inside who rushes right over. An older maid who’s been with Alisha for quite some time, she chides Alisha for being too considerate. Her eyes wander over to Rose though, who smiles innocently at her, and Alisha quickly mumbles that Rose is to stay in the guest room tonight.

“I’ll take her there myself,” Alisha says. She feels bad for doing this so quickly but she nods a curt dismissal, and the maid takes the hint, murmuring a good night to her lady and the Shepherd.

The walk down the hallway somehow feels even longer than before. If Alisha thought she couldn’t hear Rose before, she really can’t hear her here, with the carpet muffling the steps of their slippers. Alisha feels like she’s making too much noise, steps heavy and feeling like they echo down the narrow walls. She feels wobbly in comparison, like she’s the one who can’t walk straight, like she’s the one who drank tankard after tankard and Rose is the one supervising her while she stumbles home. 

If Alisha were to ever sneak around after an affair, she would be terrible at it.

N-not that she’ll ever have one, or resort to that level of depraved debauchery!

Alisha shakes her head, ridding her thoughts that’ve taken a turn for the… strange. It’ll do her no good to have those sorts of odd ideas in her head, least of all right now. _I need to find a different book to read before sleeping_ , she thinks. The door to the guest room is in sight anyway, and within long torturous seconds, it’s now in front of them. She hesitates for a split moment before opening the door and gestures for Rose to enter first.

When they’re both inside and the door quietly slides shut behind them, that’s when Alisha finally gets nervous. She’d been trying to steel herself during the walk over but it seems to have done her no good. Rose turns toward her then, and Alisha can’t help the quiet gasp that breaks free.

The curtains aren’t drawn in the room so the moonlight comes from behind Rose, illuminating her. Alisha knows it sounds terribly clichéd to describe it this way but it feels like something out of the few romance novels she’d read when she felt like guiltily indulging herself. The way they’re alone in her guest room, how they’ve both had drink in them and their inhibitions are no doubt much lower than when they’re sober, how that smirk on Rose’s face both irritates and rouses her…

Alisha _really_ wants to kiss her again.

The smirk disappears, and now Rose is blinking rapidly at her, and Alisha’s quickly realizing she’s said that out loud. Had this been any other time, she would have turned bright red with shame and stuttered out an apology.

But as she is now…

Her cheeks still do burn, but Alisha takes a step forward. Rose takes one back. Alisha takes another one. Rose steps back again.

A meaningless game, especially when Rose runs out of space and finds herself backed up against the wall, next to the windows. Alisha closes in on her before she can dart away, shooting out her arm to press against the wall next to Rose’s head. Rose flinches.

“P-Princess,” Rose breathes, nervous. Alisha keeps wondering when the tables have turned, how Rose is the one who’s suddenly nervous, how Alisha is the one who has to lean in close and watch for Rose’s reactions, how they’ve both made a mess of this situation. The urge to pull away is strongest than it’s ever been, a voice telling her that she should step back and laugh at Rose for being so riled up, exactly what Rose’s done countless times. They’d laugh it off and go back to how things were before. It would be so easy, and much less frightful than all the possibilities that lie ahead of them.

 _But you’ve already kissed her_ , a part of Alisha’s mind says. It sounds so silly, when she thinks of it that way, but she also knows that if she steps back and gives Rose her space, things have already changed between them, and there’s just this sinking feeling inside of her that Rose will run away.

Alisha can’t bear the thought of losing someone else.

(A deeper voice tells her that she can’t bear the thought of losing Rose instead.)

“Rose,” Alisha says as she leans closer. Her eyes dart down to Rose’s lips, and she has to try so hard not to lick her own. “I’ll ask this of you once. May I… kiss you?” Even if she feels anything but right now, her voice somehow remains impressively steady.

“… do you really have to do this _now_?” Rose sounds incredulous.

“Do what?” Alisha’s not sure what’s even being asked.

“Ask me for something like that.”

Oh.

“I… I just wanted to be sure.” Alisha pulls away slightly, casting her eyes down. “You tease so much but if this doesn’t mean anything to you, then… I feel as if I’m the one being selfish by imposing myself on you. If you truly don’t wish for—”

Rose kisses her.

Alisha’s eyes widen and somehow, she finds herself pressed against the wall instead. Rose’s hands are gripping her now and Alisha wonders exactly when that happened. But she doesn’t think any more of that, when her eyes flutter shut. Against the amazing sensation of Rose’s lips on her, there’s also blissful relief.

Rose’s kiss is a little rough, and her hands are wandering all over Alisha, yet another wonderful distraction. Alisha allows hers to roam as well and wishes, not for the first time, she’d taken off her gloves instead. She wants so much to feel Rose’s skin against her own. It almost makes her want to pull away so she can rip her gloves off but that means she won’t be able to hold Rose in her arms.

One of Rose’s hands wander lower, brushing against the top of her thigh, and Alisha can’t help but pull away with a little gasp. She bites her lip when the hand stays there to rub teasing circles. As torturous as it feels, it almost makes her whine in protest when Rose moves her hand away instead, to rest on Alisha’s waist.

“You could’ve just kissed me instead of asking,” Rose says then, and if her breath hadn’t been ragged, Alisha knows it would’ve been a grumble. It takes Alisha a moment to remember how to move her jaw, another to string words together.

But when she means to speak, she freezes up. There’s so many things she wants to say but there are dark thoughts swirling in her mind. A part of her wants to voice them aloud, but another part is afraid of what Rose will think.

Sometimes, in her weakest moments, her darkest times, she dreams of Rose pulling away with a laugh and calling her a fool for thinking someone could ever feel anything for her. She knows it won’t happen, Rose can be harsh and cruel at times but she does it out of good, if misguided, intentions for Alisha, and, Alisha can say for certainty now, because Rose herself is awkward too. But she can’t help it, when she remembers the callous remarks of the nobles who continue to smear her name from childhood to even now.

_Still only a little girl with no one on her side, and even her beloved teacher has run away! Who would willingly stay by the side of a tainted princess?_

Alisha knows better than to give in to their provocations but it seems that the older she gets, the less people there are around her, and their cruel words start sounding like truth—

A touch on Alisha’s cheek makes her blink. Rose is looking at her with an eyebrow quirked, slight worry written in her face. “Hey, you just got quiet. Something wrong? Don’t tell me you’re regretting it now, after everything you just did tonight!” A rueful smile crosses her face. “Did I go too far—”

“N-no!” Alisha furiously shakes her head. She meets Rose’s eyes for a split second before looking downward. “I… I should be asking you that question. Someone… with someone like me, are… are you…”

“What are you saying?” Rose moves her hand to under Alisha’s chin, tipping it up so she can force their eyes to meet. “Don’t talk about yourself that way,” she only says before moving in to kiss her again.

It’s completely unlike the ones they’ve already shared, something more soft and gentle, if that could be possible from someone like Rose. And somehow, it makes Alisha’s heart race, beat even faster than before. Tears are welling inside her eyes and Alisha tries desperately to hold them back but she can’t, and now Rose pulls away, alarmed.

“I-I’m sorry,” Alisha immediately says, “I’ve n-never done this and… I… I just…” She’s too embarrassed to say anymore and would rather much sink to the floor instead. Her knees are shaking and she’s right on the verge of doing just so. But she doesn’t, because Rose’s holding her up, grounding her as she always seems to do. Alisha’s sure Rose had much more alcohol than her but why is it that she’s the one who feels intoxicated, unable to think straight or keep steady on her feet?

“Geez, Alisha, if I knew you were going to be the crying sort too after getting some alcohol in you, I should’ve never let you drink,” Rose teases before she gently pushes Alisha down, to let her rest her head upon Rose’s shoulder. It’s only in front of Rose that Alisha shares her weaknesses so openly.

“I didn’t even drink that much,” Alisha says, sullenly. She feels even worse. She’d been chasing after Rose the whole night and here she is, with Rose finally in her arms, and her unable to keep her eyes dry to keep the mood going. Rose, when she can be kind, is too much for her. “I-I’m sorry, can we… stay like this for a bit longer?”

“I’ve got you, don’t worry.” Rose lets out a breath, swaying slightly before her hands tighten. “I don’t think I’m in any state to run away anyway. And how could I leave a pretty girl like you crying like this?”

Alisha chokes a bit on a sob before managing to laugh. “You’ve done it before,” she points out. Rose stiffens up, for just a quick moment, before relaxing.

“Too drunk to think of anything good to say,” Rose grumbles under her breath, and Alisha laughs again. “I’ll be here,” she says afterward, voice softer now, like she just understands. Alisha makes a sound that’s somewhere between a mix of a sigh, sob, and laugh. She’s not sure. The entire night feels like it’s dragged out too long, and Alisha wants nothing more than to sink into her own bed and sleep everything away.

Alisha closes her eyes, listening to the sound of Rose’s breathing, feeling the warmth of Rose’s arms around her.

This night doesn’t feel as bad as it used to.


End file.
